My head is covered in sores due to stress!

So much has happened since we last spoke! Here are some general things:

+I got a wreak this journal! Yay!
+ I went to prom. I can’t believe I did it but I did. (This required a trip to the hair dresser to get my hair done, in which I was terrified the whole time that my spots would be discovered. They weren’t.. Or she just didn’t mention it)
+I went to Disneyland, and then to Huntington beach! For a choir trip. It was so much fun. I love my friends to death.
+ I did homework for 20 hours straight, and I am NOT exaggerating. I was up for 32 hours. (this was yesterday, I just woke up from an 11 hour sleep)

Many of these things, although fun and great experiences, we’re very stressful in the making, and derma has definitely had its place in my life as of late.

I also had an incident where I grabbed some scissors and chopped off my bangs way too short..I’m not sure if that was derma/trich related but I was stressed when it happened..

Anyways, that’s what’s happened!

Obviously I haven’t been on this blog in months..

and I don’t have an excuse or anything.

Dermatillomania is a constant struggle. It’s a never-ending cycle. Even when I don’t mention it or don’t update this blog or don’t take pictures or whatever, its still happening. I have over one hundred pictures of my own derma that have never been published. Its an ongoing problem.

Sometimes I feel talking about it is more triggering than worth it. Maybe thats why I’ve been gone, I don’t really know, but what I do is that I love reaching out to you guys and I love knowing there is a community here that supports me.

I’m not sure what to do at this point- but for now, I’ll just be logging on whenever I feel like it.

Could be tomorrow, or months from now, or everyday next week~whenever.

I do apologize for being so unpredictable. 

As for my absence, I have had tremendous dermatillomania experiences, and have almost been to the point of seeking physical medical help twice.

As always, I’m here if you need me. If anyone feels the need to keep closer contact with me because of my random schedule, just ask!

I’ve been picking so bad lately, you have no idea.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/luwphotography/6561744087/

Anonymous asked: I too struggle with Dermatillomania. One thing that helps the urge tp pick is to keep cutting my nails too short. It makes it harder to pick at the scab and it doesn't feel as good as it would with longer nails. Of course if you have no nails than this comment was kind of pointless to you.

I often do this when I get frustrated. The thing is I always find a way around it- always. *sigh*. 

dermathings:

Submitted by Anon

This a long update about what’s happened in the last two weeks, as I have been too busy/crazy/depressed to give a proper update in that time. It is long, so if you actually read it I appreciate it!

Let’s go back to Saturday exactly a week ago. I got a haircut, seen left, for the first time in several several months. I had minimized picking, and I mean almost to the point of stopping, for three whole days in order to get my hair cut and box dye it without pain/embarrassment. It was so hard to do, but I felt so accomplished to go to a hair-dresser, as I am terrified of them (any person with derma involving their scalp understands this..).I used a new method that I will tell you all about in another blog post! However, the experience was so stressful.

Anyways, that night, Saturday night, I dyed my hair ‘Intense Red-Copper’, which really just turned out bright red and not copper at all (which is fine by me!)(see right)

Of course, having got the hair issue out of the way, picking crept back and did so with vengeance. I ‘relapsed’ if you will, and had a bad bad hairfit.

The following week has been the most stressful week of my life.

On Monday night I got 2 hours of sleep staying up to do work. (My grades- although a whole other story- have dropped RAPIDLY due to crazy schedules and stress).

The following day I had a choir festival, which added a great amount of anxiety/stress, and I was gone from 4 o’clock in the afternoon, aka right after school, until 10 at night, leaving me no time for homework.

We got a superior, the highest rating, however for some reason when we got of stage I didn’t feel confident in our performance, and thought we had gotten lower. We were outside the auditorium waiting for our scores, at this time I had gone 36+ hours of no sleep, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I broke down in tears and a good friend of mine had to escort me out of the crowd of fellow singers. Now I believe I have mentioned this before, but I DO NOT cry in front  of people. It makes me feel vulnerable and weak, and it makes me cry even more. As we were walking through the crowd I could hear some people saying, “Is she crying?”- “Why is she crying?”, etc. and I was incredibly embarrassing. Somehow, and I don’t know how, a friend whom I have known since about the 3rd grade came and hugged me and I was able to gain my composer. 

After we found out we got superior, I was extremely relived, however I just wasn’t satisfied. Now for someone not in choir this is hard to explain~but I was so upset that I wasn’t more joyful! And then it hit me:

I guess when you’re this terribly unhappy, even the happy things don’t seem so great. 

I sat alone on the way home, having gotten separated from every single one of my friends because there were 2 buses, and I cried my eyes out the whole time. And picked. And I felt ridiculous. There I was, on a bus full of screaming happy people, alone in the dark crying because I felt so terrible.

The next day,Wednesday, I had to go through this whole thing AGAIN-thankfully on a little more sleep- but for chamber choir. However this time I felt confident we had gotten superior.

I was wrong.

We got the rating just below superior. This is the first time in 5 years that chamber choir has not gotten a Superior at this particular festival.

I am section leader. This basically means you lead a section of singers, answer their question, fix mistakes, and guide them. So understand, I feel rightfully responsible for not earning the superior.

I have still not accepted this~ I am so terribly upset. I am so disappointed in myself. I am so ashamed. Everyone has gotten over it-how? I’m so torn up inside. I tried so hard..

Thursday and Friday consisted of me desperately trying not to break down whilst at school. I had tears in my eyes constantly. I avoided my friends, and excused myself to the restroom every time I thought I just might EXPLODE with all these emotions. 

And that brings us to today, Saturday. Today, under all this stress, depression, anxiety, and complete mess of an emotional state, I had to take the SAT.

This school system is FUCKED. It’s not like I can write a personal statement there, saying by the way, I was in no state of mind to take this test right now.

The test- although I haven’t gotten the scores back yet- is not and will not be a fair representation of my abilities. I am so sad, I am so lost, I am so pressured, so mentally exhausted. 

Words can not describe to you how tremendous the damage is that I’ve done to my head before,during,and after this test. I cannot touch anything any harder then a very light pillow without extreme pain. My head is pulsing with anguish. I have destroyed my scalp.

My life is polar opposite of what I want.

I am depressed. I am alone. I am torn. I am hurt, broken, tormented. I am SCREAMING. I AM SCREAMING. Yet, aren’t I the one who won’t let them hear me? 

I put this muzzle on myself— I cannot tell them how I feel! I am terrified! 

Society has crushed me; negativity has beat me; false happiness has jaded me; Dermatillomania has had its way with me.

I have a week for Spring break and I am trying so hard to recover mentally.

As you can see things are not okay. I am going to try this week to gather my composure and work up a bit of strength to carry on.

To all those I have abandoned by my absence- I apologize so deeply! Please understand<3<3<3

There you go, this is the truth, plain and simple. xx